If he doesn’t attend groups or make recovery efforts, he doesn’t want recovery, and you need to make hard choices for yourself and your family. Believing his behavior is the only way for a partner to stay sane. That would not only be him lying to you that would be you lying to yourself. Remember if you believe a lie instead of believing behavior you are actively choosing denial. Those that want to do it their own way are simply lying to themselves and their partner. Only those who want to get better, who are internally motivated get better. Attending a group and making calls are truly the hallmarks of someone who wants to get better. If your addict only wants to do 1, 2 and 5, then he is not ready for recovery. again thanking God for a day of sobriety These five steps may sound simple enough to you because, honestly, they are easy to do. Groups - attend a Twelve Step or Freedom Group asĬall - someone in the group daily to report your recovĥ. Read - literature related to sexual addiction recovery Pray - in the morning asking God to keep you clean When addicts do these Five Commandments during the first 100 Days of recovery you canĮxpect progress. These are all behaviors that the addict actually does, not intends to do, or promises to do. The Five Commandments are very simple, but when applied to the addiction, can put the addiction into remission. When I ask an addict to start recovery by doing the basics which we call the Five Commandments of early recovery, I know they can stay focused to do it. Every time I tell an addict this, they always laugh because all (and I do mean all) their excuses not to give 100% in their recovery are totally taken away. They know how to create time to be somewhere if they want to. They know how to meet new people, they know how to make phone calls to people they don’t know, and they know how to read even better, they know how to stay 100% focused to get something done when they want to. When an addict comes into my office, I know they already have all the skills needed for them to get better. Unless they are clinically depressed, they generally have this quality about them. Almost every woman married to an addict can identify with this aspect of their addicted spouse. He would even meet the local or national experts in that field so he could maximize this activity. He would read every book and go on the internet to related topics. If your addict wanted to develop a hobby or get involved in a sport or social activity, wouldn’t he go all out to do this? If he wanted to learn how to fish or golf, he would probably buy the best equipment money could buy. Think about your sex addicted partner for a moment. The greatest part about their motivation is that it is all internal motivation. One thing that I have learned over the years of counselingĪddicts is that they are the single most motivated people in the world. Ongoing deceit is exactly what a partner of a sex addict does not deserve to have happen over and over again. Now I receive phone calls and e-mails regularly from partners checking the history files on their computers and finding out the addict they are in a relationship with is into some pretty bizarre pornography. I counseled with these woman years before the conception of the internet. All these years of marriage, she thought she was the only woman in his life. I remember one wife who found out about her husband’s addictive behavior by breaking into her husband’s safe and finding hundreds of women’s underwear with names and dates, and a book full of phone numbers. I can’t tell you how many partners I have counseled that have been married many years, and honestly had no idea as to her sex addict’s behavior. Sex addicts, by nature of the addiction, have become masters of dishonesty over the years. Cover Design by Janelle Evangelides Interior Design by Jamie DoddĪ partner of a sex addict has often been deceived by her sex addict’s addictive life style. Box 51055 Colorado Springs, CO 80949 All Rights Reserved Printed in Canada ISBN 1-88 No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form or by any means without written permission by the author. Partners: Healing From His Addiction Copyright © 2001, 2008, 2011 by Douglas Weiss Published by Discovery Press P.O. Believing Behavior EXcERPTED FROM THE BOOK PARTners: healing from his addiction used with permission.Ĭhapter 20 “Believing Behavior” is distributed by Covenant Eyes.
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